My Christological Creed

 

                                                        (Pumpkin field, Monroe, MI)

From my book Deconstructing Progressive Christianity.

• I believe Christ died for our sins. 
• I believe all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. 
• I believe sin makes a separation between us and God, and us and others. (The wages of sin is death.)
• I believe God hates sin. Sin is rejection of God’s lordship. I believe God’s holiness cannot be grasped without comprehending the nature of sin. The wrath of God flows from his holiness. God’s anger flows from his goodness. (See Kevin Kinghorn, But What About God's Wrath: The Compelling Love Story of Divine Anger.)
• I believe, “since all human beings have sinned, and God as the holy One judges retributively and does not merely overlook sin, sin must be atoned for by sacrifice. 
• I believe the fundamental reason for the sacrifices is atonement, so that sinners could be forgiven by the holy One. 
• I believe the suffering of the Messiah was clearly prophesied. (See Isaiah 53. See The Gospel According to Isaiah 53.) 
• I believe it was the will of God to die in the place of sinners. 
• I believe that the Cross was God’s idea.

• I believe it was God who died in our place. (Behind this belief is Trinitarian theology. Thomas Schreiner writes, “the doctrine of the Trinity forbids us from separating the persons of the Trinity too rigidly from one another.” [Atonement: Four Views, 95] At least we should agree that this man Jesus, hanging on the cross, was no ordinary human. He was the God-Man.)

Piippo, John. Deconstructing Progressive Christianity . Kindle Edition. 

One of my PhD comprehensive exams (Northwestern University) was on ancient Christology.

Progressivist Myths About Sex and Gender

 

Every ideology has its myths. So it is with progressive ideologues. Especially when it comes to sex and gender.

I've been reading neuroscientist Debra Soh's The End of Gender: Debunking the Myths About Sex and Gender In Our Society. 

Before I tell you what the myths are, allow me to anticipate those who will argue against my post by employing the genetic fallacy. Soh is non-religious. Her book has been applauded by atheists. He are three of them.

“By far the best I’ve read on this topic.”
—Michael Shermer, PhD, Presidential Fellow at Chapman University and New York Times bestselling author of Giving the Devil His Due

“Very, very good. Quite feminist, very liberal, highly compassionate, thoroughly evidence-based, utterly reasonable.”
—Helen Pluckrose, editor in chief of Areo Magazine and author of Cynical Theories

"Sex and gender are always gripping topics, and The End of Gender does not disappoint. Debra Soh has given us a lucid explanation of the latest science and politics of men and women. And she fearlessly pushes back against the notion that the only way to advance equality is to scramble biology, language, and common sense, and to intimidate anyone who doesn’t go along."
—Steven Pinker, Johnstone Professor of Psychology, Harvard University, and the author of The Blank Slate and Enlightenment Now

Soh knows that mythicist progressives will try to intimidate her and shut her down. So, take note that Soh is an actual scientist, and not a postmodernist. She writes,  "research challenging progressive narratives has become increasingly precarious territory."

Soh dedicates her book "For everyone who blocked me on Twitter."

The myths are...

Myth #1 - Biological Sex Is a Spectrum

Myth #2 - Gender Is a Social Construction

Myth #3 - There Are More Than Two Genders

Myth $4 - Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Are Unrelated

Myth #5 - Children with Gender Dysphoria Should Transition

Myth #6 - No Differences Exist Between Trans Women and Women Who Were Born Women

Myth #7 - Women Should Behave Like Men in Sex and Dating

Myth #8 - Gender-Neutral Parenting Works

Myth #9 - Ideology and Social Justice Make Good Bedfellows

(See Preston Sprinkle's review HERE.)

Nine Common Cognitive Disorders, and Taking Thoughts Captive

 

                                                                     (Our back yard)

I am interested in connections between Pauline thinking and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The apostle Paul writes:

"Finally, brothers and sisters,

whatever is true,

whatever is noble,

whatever is right,

whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely,

whatever is admirable

-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy

-- think about such things

and the God of peace will be with you."

Philippians 4:8

Examples of Pauline thinking include the "declarations" given by Steve Backlund of Bethel Redding Church, and the identity statements of Neil Anderson. Both are about thinking on identity truths, using verbal repetition.

For example, I am God's child and deeply loved by him. As followers of Jesus, that's true, right? So, why not meditate on that truth so that, as Henri Nouwen says, it might descend from your mind into your heart.

In The Coddling of the American Mind, Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt advocate Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as a cure for maladies such as anxiety disorder, depression, OCD, anger, marital conflict, and stress-related disorders. CBT is uncannily similar to Paul's instructions in Philippians 4:8.

CBT treats cognitive distortions, such as "I'm no good," "My world is bleak," and "My future is hopeless." (Lukianoff and Haidt, 36) CBT breaks disempowering feedback cycles between negative beliefs and negative emotions.

They write:

"With repetition, over a period of weeks or months, people can change their schemas and create different, more helpful habitual beliefs (such as "I can handle most challenges" or "I have friends I can trust.")" (Ib., 37) This is remarkably like Backlund's identity declarations. (See also James K. A. Smith's excellent You Are What You Love: The Spiritual Power of Habit.)

Cognitive distortions empower negative emotions. Put in a Pauline way, repetitive thinking on "whatever is false" distorts our emotions. Lukionoff and Haidt are concerned over our universities and the cognitive distortions they produce in our students. While to my knowledge neither Lukionoff nor Haidt are Christians, they refer to CBT as the "thinking cure." I see the Pauline "thinking cure" of Philippians 4:8 as combating these distortions in ways that are similar to CBT.

They list nine such distortions. Here they are, direct from the book, with my comments on logical fallacies added. (38).

NINE COMMON COGNITIVE DISORDERS PEOPLE LEARN TO RECOGNIZE IN CBT

EMOTIONAL REASONING

Letting your feelings guide your interpretation of reality.

"I feel depressed; therefore, my marriage is not working out."

(In logic this is an example of the fallacy of false cause.)

CATASTROPHIZING

Focusing on the worst possible outcome

and seeing it as most likely.

"It would be terrible if I failed."

(This is similar to the slippery slope fallacy in logic.)

OVERGENERALIZING

Perceiving a global pattern of negatives

on the basis of a single incident.

"This generally happens to me.

I seem to fail at a lot of things."

(In logic this is called the fallacy of hasty generalization.)

DICHOTOMOUS THINKING

Also known as "black and white thinking,"

"all or nothing thinking," and "binary thinking."

Viewing events or people in all-or-nothing terms.

"I get rejected by everyone," or

"It was a complete waste of time."

(In logic this is called the fallacy of false dichotomy. But note: logic is the reaqlm of binary thinking. Which is good, and true, even beautiful as related to simplicity.)

MIND READING

Assuming that you know what people think without having sufficient evidence of their thoughts.

"He thinks I'm a loser."

LABELING

Assigning global negative traits to yourself or others (often in the service of dichotomous thinking).

"I'm undesirable."

"he's a rotten person."

NEGATIVE FILTERING

You focus almost exclusively on the negatives and seldom notice the positives.

"Look at all of the people who don't like me."

DISCOUNTING POSITIVES

Claiming that the positive things you or others do are trivial, so that you can maintain a negative judgment.

"That's what wives are supposed to do - so it doesn't count when she's nice to me."

"Those successes were easy, so they don't matter."

BLAMING

Focusing on the other person as the source

of your negative feelings;

you refuse to take responsibility

for changing yourself.

"She's to blame for the way I feel now."

"My parents caused all my problems."

Lukionoff and Haidt claim that universities encourage students to use the distortions listed above. (40)

GOD’S COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY

Meditation on truth transforms the human heart. It breaks lies, and heals.

I have discovered that, when I carry my 3X5 cards with me, on which I have written what God thinks of me, the truths of God slowly descend from my mind into my heart. They become my heart.

This is a Henri Nouwen idea, a James K. A. Smith idea, a Dallas Willard idea, and a Pauline idea. Philippians 4:8-9 reads: 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I view this as a form of cognitive behavioral therapy, supernaturally empowered by the Holy Spirit. Perhaps, mind-of-Christ Behavioral Therapy.

"Cognitive" - how we think; what we set our mind on. 

"Behavioral" - what we do; how we live and experience life. 

"Therapy" - from the Greek word therapeuo, which means "to heal."

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

"Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a common type of talk therapy (psychotherapy). You work with a mental health counselor (psychotherapist or therapist) in a structured way, attending a limited number of sessions. CBT helps you become aware of inaccurate or negative thinking so you can view challenging situations more clearly and respond to them in a more effective way.

CBT can be a helpful tool in treating mental health disorders, such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or an eating disorder. But not everyone who benefits from CBT has a mental health condition. It can be an effective tool to help anyone learn how to better manage stressful life situations." (From the Mayo Clinic.)

When we add the Holy Spirit to this, we have an effective therapy that transforms and heals. I'm calling this God's Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This involves two biblical concepts: 

1) Intentionally think on (meditate on) whatever is true, right, noble, lovely, and admirable. 

2) Take captive whatever is false, wrong, ignoble, unlovely, and unworthy of praise. 

Paul writes: 

We do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 

Defeat falsehoods by intentionally meditating on God's truths. The Holy Spirit champions and empowers this. We are promised that "the God of peace" will be with us. This means an invasion of peace into our hearts. God's truths, which you mentally acknowledge, become your heart, your way of being, your way of seeing things, and even seeing yourself. Our thoughts become "obedient to Christ." All this is healing, transforming, and liberating.

What Is "Fascism?"

 

                                                                        (Our back yard)

What is "fascism?"

"Fascism is perhaps best defined as a form of far-right authoritarian ultra-nationalism characterized by dictatorial power and forcible suppression of any opposition, with a strict regimentation of society and government regulation of the economy."

- N. T. Wright and Michael Bird, Jesus and the Powers, Ch. 6, footnote 1

See also The Anatomy of Fascism, by Robert O. Paxton

How to Pray for Our Leaders

 

                                                                (Cross, in our front yard)

FROM the BILLY GRAHAM ASSOCIATION https://static.billygraham.org/sites/billygrahamlibrary.org/uploads/pro/2017/01/How-to-pray-for-our-Leaders.pdf

WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS

“Therefore I exhort first of all that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all men, for kings and all who are in authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and reverence. For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior.” —1 Timothy 2:1–3, NKJV

We are to pray respectfully for leaders. “Honor all people. ... Fear God. Honor the king” (1 Peter 2:17).

We are to pray with the clear understanding that government authority is established by God. “Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God” (Romans 13:1). We also pray knowing that God’s Word says, “The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord, like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes” (Proverbs 21:1).

WHO TO PRAY FOR

President

Cabinet members

Senators

 Congressional representatives

 Supreme Court

 Military leaders 

Governor 

State legislators 

Mayor 

Police chief, sheriff 

First responders

PRAY THIS WAY

Open the heart of ______________ to hear and respond to the Gospel message if they do not know you. Acts 16:14

• Help ____________ to accept wise counsel. Proverbs 11:14; 15:22

• Teach _________ to trust in You. Psalm 21:7

• Protect __________ from the influence of the evil one. 2 Thessalonians 3:3

• Give __________ discretion, foresight, and understanding in making decisions. 1 Chronicles 22:12

• Deliver ________ from opinions contrary to Your Word. Psalm 119:105

• Protect _________ from harm, and bless and protect his/her family. Psalm 21:11; Ezra 6:10

• Enable __________ to carry out his/her duties with humility toward You and toward others. 1 Peter 5:5

• Give __________ the courage to do the right thing even when urged to do the wrong thing. Proverbs 2:11–15

• Give _________ a tender heart of compassion toward those he/she leads and serves. Colossians 3:12

***

For more detail on how Christians should respond to government leaders they disagree with, see, e.g., N. T. Wright and Michael Bird, Jesus and the Powers, Ch. 5, "The Church Between Submission and Subversion." 

If You Don't Control Your Mouth Your Religion Is Worthless

 

 

                                                      (Our back yard, in colder days)

When pressure is applied to a person's life, we see who they really are. 

In our current, pressure-packed, politicized culture, peoples' hearts are being revealed.

Sadly, in some who say they follow Jesus, the worst is coming out.

Gladly, other Jesus-followers are shining.

Some have succumbed to darkness. Others walk in the light.

This concerns what comes out of our mouths. This is about our words, our attitudes, our hearts.

If you are a follower of Jesus, listen to these words, and take them to heart.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

Those who guard their lips preserve their lives,
    but those who speak rashly will come to ruin. Proverbs 13:3

 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.  Ephesians 4:2-3

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.  Ephesians 4:15

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23

The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
    but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

"The things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them." Matthew 15:18

"I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak." Matthew 12:36

But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Colossians 3:8

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. James 3:9-12

Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him. Proverbs 19:20

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless. James 1:26

I suggest: print these Scriptures out. Carry them with you for a season. Meditate on them.

Ask God to take them from your mind and grow them in your heart.

If one verse stands out to you, assume this is the Holy Spirit speaking to you. Carry this verse with you, repeating it often. 

Join me in asking God to teach how to speak truth... in love.

And, if your mouth has done harm rather than good, repent, before the Lord. Confess, to the ones you have hurt.

Do not embrace the false, demonic belief that you won't be able to express truth unless you hate.

DECLARATIONS from these VERSES

• When pressure is applied to my heart, the best of Jesus comes out.
• The only words that come out of my mouth are words that build people up, not tear people down.
• I have placed a guard over my mouth, so I don't speak rashly and ruin relationships.
• I am patient with others, because the Lord is patient with me.
• I bear with others, because the Lord puts up with me.
• My consuming goal is unity of the Spirit.
• I speak truth in love. I care for others as I speak truth.
• I prayerfully, while seeking God, guard my heart. There are thoughts I do not allow my heart to entertain.
• No unwholesome talk comes out of my mouth. 
• People come to me, because my words build them up.
• I speak no careless, thoughtless words.
• I am over hating people.
• I never slander people.
• No obscene, unholy talk comes out of my mouth.
• I cannot curse other people, because even if they don't know Jesus, they are made in the image of God.
• I pray and ponder things before I open my mouth.
• I have put a bridle on my mouth, and allow the Spirit to guide my words.

Michael Brown on the 2024 Elections - A Prophetic Message

 

A Prophetic Message Concerning the 2024 Elections.

By Michael Brown

Among many other things, Michael was one of our speakers at a recent Green Lake summer conference.

He also was an important part of the Brownsville Revival.

How to Pray for Our Government Leaders

 

                                                                   (Lake Erie sunrise)

The apostle Paul lived in a time and place where the existing political and religious powers were antagonistic and oppositional to his message of the Gospel, to the Lordship of Jesus Christ, and to the message of the Kingdom of God that was not, as Jesus said, "of this world."

It's true that Paul gave thanks for the Pax Romana, and the brief historical window this provided for sharing the Gospel. But still his sufferings, at the hands of politicized Jews and Gentiles, were many. He lists some of them in 2 Corinthians 11:21-29.

Whatever anyone else dares to boast about—I am speaking as a fool—I also dare to boast about. 22 Are they Hebrews? So am I. Are they Israelites? So am I. Are they Abraham’s descendants? So am I. 23 Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. 24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. 27 I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 28 Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. 29 Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?

Given this atmosphere of anti-Christian persecution, it strikes me as amazing that Paul writes these words, in 1 Timothy 2:1-4:

     I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for             all people— 2 for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet         lives in all godliness and holiness. 3 This is good, and pleases God our Savior, 4 who             wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.

Let's add Jesus's command in Matthew 5:43-48.

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[i] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

What a challenge it is, at least for me, to follow this command of Jesus, and Paul's counsel to Timothy! This takes the agape love of Jesus to another level. I am old, and still learning this Jesus-way of praying.

If you want to take these things to heart, here are some resources that may help.

Blessings!

JP

***

From Cru (formerly Campus Crusade for Christ), the ministry I got saved in. Prayer Guide: How to Pray for Our Country's Leaders.

From World Vision. How to Pray for Your Government Leaders.

From Kenneth Copeland Ministries. A Prayer for Our Government.

From the Navigators. Praying for Nations and Leaders in a Time of Difficulty.

From Logos.com. Five Bible Passages About Praying for Those in Authority.

From Focus on the Family. 30 Days of Prayer. (See especially days 21-30.)

From K-Love. Eight Prayers for Your Leaders. 

From Billy Graham Association. How to Pray for Our Leaders. 

Intro to Redeemer Church in Monroe

A Root-Exposing Book (Now Reading)

 

Part of God's calling on my life has been, and remains, getting at the root of beliefs.

The best book I've read, so far this year, does just this.

Love Is Not an Entity to Be Worshiped

 

 

                                                              (Lake Erie, Monroe, MI)

(I am re-posting this for a friend.)

For followers of Jesus, love is great. But love is not the greatest. First Corinthians 13 tells us that love is the greatest, among faith and hope. In the great triumvirate of faith, hope, and love, love takes first place.

As mighty as love is, love is not a thing. It is not a substance. It is not an entity. Love is not an object, nor is it a being, or a person. Therefore, love is not to be worshiped, since it is irrational to worship non-entities, be they physical or non-physical.

Love is a multi-faceted verb, manifesting itself in actions we call "loving," such as patience, kindness, gentleness, not easily angered, protective, trusting, and so on. While 1 Corinthians 13 appears to reify love, that's just a rhetorical device to elevate the behaviors associated with love. Love acts in certain ways, and does not act in certain other ways.

When the Bible says God is love, it is telling us that love is an essential attribute of the being of God. As an attribute of God, love is not to be worshiped. We don't worship attributes. Let's say, for example, that one of my attributes is weighs 170 pounds. (I wish this was true!) While weighs 170 pounds would be commendable, this attribute is not an entity or a substance which, in itself, is praiseworthy. We wouldn't expect someone, unless they are mentally incapacitated, to bow down and worship weighs 170 pounds.

Don't reify love. It's misleading, and false, to do that.

Don't bow before love and worship a verb.

Worship God who, in his being, is love.

Character Comes Before Ability in Relationships

 

(On the west side of Michigan, Lake Michigan shoreline)

My physician possesses high character, and great ability. He has both qualities. But if I was forced to choose between a physician of great character, and one of great ability, I'd lean towards ability. Better is a doctor who knows what he is doing. 

But when it comes to relationships, I think differently. Character is more important than ability, when it comes to relationships. In a friendship, or in a marriage, if I have to choose, I'll take someone with high character and low ability before someone with high ability and low character. The latter person will cheat on you, or betray you, or throw you under the bus.

Through the years abilities decrease, but character can keep increasing. As Paul wrote, Though my abilities are wasting away, my character is being transformed day by day. (2 Cor. 4:16, Piippo translation)

In After You Believe: Why Christian Character Matters., N. T. Wright says, "The central thing that is supposed to happen "after you believe" is the transformation of character." This is the Galatians 4:19 thing - that Christ be formed in you. Or, as Paul says in 2 Thessalonians 1:12 - "We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." 

This formation, the development of Christ-character in you, is your calling. It happens as you indwell Christ.

The goal of our own character formation into Jesus-likeness is love. Love is "the greatest of the" core virtues. We may disagree with others, but we must never cease loving them. Jesus loved those he disagreed with so much that he died for them. We are to even love our enemies, in spite of our opposing views. Anything less than this and you have left Jesus. (This does not, of course, mean that we affirm everything the other believes. To do that is not love, either.)

What will character formation look like? Because it comes from attachment to Christ, it will look like Christ. Christ forms you, meta-morphs you into one who loves and lives as Christ is.

Wright's example is Sully Sullenberger, the US Airways pilot who landed a disabled passenger jet in the Hudson River and saved 155 lives. The character of a pilot had been formed in him. He no longer needed to wear a wristband that asked, "What Would a Pilot Do?" (WWPD) Rather, "the skills and ability ran right through him, top to toe." 

Wright says "The key to it all is that the Christian vision of character that has become second nature is precisely all about discovering what it means to be human - human in a way that most of us never imagine."

Regarding Sullenberger, "virtue is what happens when wise and courageous choices have become "second nature." Not "first nature," as though they happened naturally. Like an acquired taste, such choices and actions, which started off being practiced with difficulty, ended up being "second nature." (James K. A. Smith and Dallas Willard say the same.)

For Wright, our "first nature" is our subhumanity. The "second nature" Christ wants to form in us is his nature, which is true humanity. God wants to rescue us out of our subhumanity and transform us into true humanity. Some, when they fail, say "I'm only human." They should say, "I'm subhuman." 

Wright's book shows how God metamorphs us from subhumanity into true humanity, how God forms our character into Christlikeness.

What can I do about this? I look at my own self, and focus on my own change. I pray to be transformed into someone who is more like Jesus, and loves their enemies so much they would even die for them. I learn to live an abiding life, which is the place where the character of Jesus flows into me, like a vine resources its branches.

I pray for the character of Christ to be formed in me.

Conflict Reveals Character

(Downtown Monroe)

I've always thought that who a person really is, is who they are in their home. This is because a home is made of people living under the same roof who are not normal like you. The people in your home, whether old or young, are different. We see who you really are by the way you handle "different."

Differences can attract - that's good. Maybe that's why you married the person you did. She had something you did not have, and maybe you thought she would complete you. 

Differences can also collide. Differences can repel, like positive and negative magnetic poles. Differences conflict. A husband and wife are, in a few ways at least, polar opposites. Husbands and wives conflict, at times. There are no exceptions to this. Many are in denial, or fearful, about this.

From God's perspective, this is very good. Differences can complement. In Genesis we read, "And God created polar opposites, and saw that it was good." And, BTW, God is different from you. God's ways are not your ways. That fact is a transcendent good which we minimally grasp.

Conflict, therefore, is inevitable. Conflict is normal. If there's no conflict in your home, you have a problem. Probably, that problem is you. Or, at least, you are part of the problem. Always consider this possibility, for it reorients you on the road to being a peacemaker.

James van Yperen, in Making Peace, writes:

"Conflict reveals the true character of a leader. Jesus told His disciples, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven…. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?” (Matthew 5:43-46). Who we are is revealed by how we react to persecution." (p. 26)

If differences irritate you, that is your problem. If different approaches and styles "push your buttons," those buttons are yours. Own up to this and you are on your way to character formation.

***
My books are:

Praying: Reflections on 40 Years of Solitary Conversations with God (May 2016)

Leading the Presence-Driven Church (January 2018)

Deconstructing Progressive Christianity

31 Letters to the Church on Discipleship

31 Letters to the Church on Praying

Encounters With the Holy Spirit (Co-edited with Janice Trigg)

Caring and Confronting Attitudes

 

COMMUNICATION AS SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE (CARING + CONFRONTING)

Linda and I have used this template in our own marriage. We have shared this with countless couples. Copy it. Display it on your refrigerator. 

Ephesians 4:15 says: “therefore speak the truth in love; so shall we fully grow up into Christ.” Here we are told, in communication, to be both loving and truthful, caring and confronting.

Work at communicating both caring and confronting in the middle of marital or relational conflict.

Here are the attitudes to have and hold to.

 

 

From David Augsburger, Caring Enough to Confront

Divorce - The Kids Will NOT Be OK

(I'm re-posting this, to keep this ball in play.)

A cover of Time Magazine had the titillating headline "Is Monogamy Over?" Biologist-psychologist David Barash answered: "We should keep it [monogamy] for our kids' sake." Because:

"It’s very rare for any species to engage in biparental care unless the males are guaranteed that they are genetically related to the offspring—confidence monogamy alone can provide. And because human children need so much parental assistance, protection and investment, humans, perhaps more than any other animal, especially benefit from monogamy."

I meet all the time with young adults whose biological parents have separated or divorced. Almost always, there’s devastation. 

I meet with married people who are thinking about divorce. They’ve picked up the village-idea that if they divorce, the “kids will be OK.” There is evidence suggesting that is false. 

Perhaps, for some, it’s their way of trying to justify their own inability to work through their failing marriage. Only a few kids do well, and they are rare. 

Many couples do not have the tools to fix their marriage. The current parentless generation is spawning teens who have never seen a healthy marriage before. Unless something transformational happens in them, they will mirror their parents’ failures.

The best book on this is by former Columbia U. scholar Judith Wallerstein - The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. She’s done the only longitudinal study of what happens to kids whose parents divorce. Wallenstein followed these kids into adulthood. Anyone contemplating divorce who thinks “The kids will be OK” needs to read this book. 

Wallenstein writes:
“By tracking approximately 100 children as they forge their lives as adults, we has found that, contrary to the popular belief that kids would bounce back after the initial pain of their parents’ split, children of divorce often continue to suffer well into adulthood. Their pain plays out in their relationships, their work lives and their confidence about parenting themselves.”

If you are divorced your kids probably need more help than kids with healthy, married monogamous parents.

***
In an PBS interview Wallerstein responds to a question.

adriana_rome: Is there any information on how divorce affects children at different ages? Say a toddler aged child vs. a teen?

Dr. Judith: Well, children who are little ... 2-6 .... are really very worried that they're going to be abandoned. They have so little capacity to take care of themselves. Their logic is that if one parent can leave another, why can't they leave me? They cling to their parents, they have terrible nightmares, they don't want to go to nursery school and all the times during the day and night where there's separation are filled with enormous anxiety because they're so afraid they'll be abandoned and there will be no one to take care of them, feed them, dry their tears, take care of them.

Youngsters who are school aged ... 8-11 ... are more worried about the fact that they're not going to get a chance to do the things they need to do. There's a stage that's being held up by their parents ... the mainstage is at school, on the playground, with other friends, with sports, with music, with ballet ... all the things they do at this age and they're very angry with their parents because they're afraid it will interrupt their activities. They think their parents are being very selfish as the very scaffolding that holds their lives up is going to collapse.

Teens .... are much more likely to be their parents' confidants at the break-up. They're much more likely to be aware of the trouble either parent has been having and they can be very compassionate and caring. But at the same time, they are very angry that the family is falling apart. They figure they need that family support,: especially at this time in their lives when they have so many questions about their own futures. And thirdly, they worry very much at 15-17, whether if their parents marriage went belly-up ... whether their own relationships are going to run into disaster and they're very frightened.