The Many Benefits of Thankfulness

Gratitude is greater than bitterness. Thankfulness is better than resentment. 

Colossians 3:15 says:

Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.

A heart of thankfulness positively affects one’s entire being. Some scientific studies confirm this. Here are some of them.

From “Giving Thanks Can Make You Happier” (Harvard Medical School)

• “Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.”
• Dr. Martin Seligman (University of Pennsylvania) says most studies on showing gratitude to others support an association between gratitude and an individual’s well-being.
• Gratitude can improve relationships. “For example, a study of couples found that individuals who took time to express gratitude for their partner not only felt more positive toward the other person but also felt more comfortable expressing concerns about their relationship.”
• Gratitude is associated with emotional maturity.
• “Gratitude is a way for people to appreciate what they have instead of always reaching for something new in the hopes it will make them happier, or thinking they can’t feel satisfied until every physical and material need is met. Gratitude helps people refocus on what they have instead of what they lack. And, although it may feel contrived at first, this mental state grows stronger with use and practice.”

Here are some ways to cultivate gratitude on a regular basis.

·        Write a thank-you note.

·        Thank someone mentally. (“It may help just to think about someone who has done something nice for you, and mentally thank the individual.”)

·        Keep a gratitude journal. I make lists of things I am thankful for and carry them with me.

·        Count your blessings.

·        Pray. “People who are religious can use prayer to cultivate gratitude.”

From “7 Scientifically Proven Benefits of Gratitude that Will Motivate You to Give Thanks Year-Round” (Forbes)

Research reveals that gratitude can have these benefits.

• ·        Gratitude opens the door to more relationships.
• ·        Gratitude improves physical health. “Grateful people experience fewer aches and pains and they report feeling healthier than other people, according to a 2012 study published in Personality and Individual Differences.”
• ·        Gratitude improves psychological health. “Gratitude reduces a multitude of toxic emotions, ranging from envy and resentment to frustration and regret. Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., a leading gratitude researcher, has conducted multiple studies on the link between gratitude and well-being. His research confirms that gratitude effectively increases happiness and reduces depression.”
• ·        Gratitude enhances empathy and reduces aggression. “Grateful people are more likely to behave in a prosocial manner, even when others behave less kind, according to a 2012 study by the University of Kentucky. Study participants who ranked higher on gratitude scales were less likely to retaliate against others, even when given negative feedback. They experienced more sensitivity and empathy toward other people and a decreased desire to seek revenge.”
• ·        Grateful people sleep better. “Writing in a gratitude journal improves sleep, according to a 2011 study published in Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. Spend just 15 minutes jotting down a few grateful sentiments before bed, and you may sleep better and longer." 
• ·        Gratitude improves self-esteem.(Acc. to a 2014 study published in the Journal of Applied Sport Psychology.)
• ·        Gratitude increases mental strength. (Acc. to a 2006 study in Behavior Research and Therapy, and a 2003 study in the Journal of Personality and social Psychology.

From “Giving Thanks: The Benefits of Gratitude” (Psychology Today)

·        

Psychologists Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough “point out the benefits of expressing gratitude as ranging from better physical health to improved mental alertness. People who express gratitude also are more likely to offer emotional support to others.”

·        “Expressing gratitude in your daily life might even have a protective effect on staving off certain forms of psychological disorders. In a review article published this past March (see below), researchers found that habitually focusing on and appreciating the positive aspects of life is related to a generally higher level of psychological well-being and a lower risk of certain forms of psychopathology.”

·        Increase your gratitude-ability by looking for small things to be thankful for.

From “Expanding the Science and Practice of Gratitude” (University of Berkeley)

·        It’s easy to take gratitude for granted. “That might be why so many people have dismissed gratitude as simple, obvious, and unworthy of serious attention. But that’s starting to change. Recently scientists have begun to chart a course of research aimed at understanding gratitude and the circumstances in which it flourishes or diminishes.”

·        Recent studies on people who practice thankfulness consistently report a number of benefits:

·        Stronger immune systems and lower blood pressure;

·        Higher levels of positive emotions;

·        More joy, optimism, and happiness;

·        Acting with more generosity and compassion;

·        Feeling less lonely and isolated.

From “Thanksgiving, Gratitude, and Mental Health” (Psychiatry Advisor)

Gratitude can have a positive effect on a person’s emotions in four significant ways.

·        First, gratitude magnifies positive emotions by helping us to appreciate the value in something; thus gaining more benefit from it.  

·        Second, it blocks toxic, negative emotions, such as envy, resentment, and regret - emotions that can destroy happiness.  

·        Third, gratitude fosters resiliency.

·        And lastly, gratitude promotes self worth. 

From “5 Proven Health Benefits of Gratitude” (Shape)

·        

• Gratitude is good for your heart. “According to a recent study at the University of California, San Diego, being mindful of the things you're thankful for each day actually lowers inflammation in the heart and improves rhythm. Researchers looked at a group of adults with existing heart issues and had some keep a gratitude journal. After just two months, they found that the grateful group actually showed improved heart health.”
• ·        You’ll smarten up. “Teens who actively practiced an attitude of gratitude had higher GPAs than their ungrateful counterparts, says research published in the Journal of Happiness Studies.”
• ·         It’s good for your relationships. “Expressing gratitude instead of frustration will do more than just smooth things over—it will actually help your emotional health. Expressing and attitude of gratitude raises levels of empathy and abolishes any desire to get even, found researchers at the University of Kentucky.”
• ·        You’ll sleep more soundly. “ Writing in a gratitude journal before turning in will help you get a longer, deeper night's sleep, says a study published in Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being.”

See also:

• “Thank You. No, Thank You.” (Wall Street Journal)
• “10 Ways to Become More Grateful.” (U. of Berkeley)

AND...

Prayer with Thanksgiving Is an Anxiety-Buster

Destined to Be Creatures of Thanksgiving

Prayer with Thanksgiving Is an Anxiety-Buster

 

(Monroe County)

I have a list of things I am thankful for. Sometimes I print the list out, carry it with me, and pull it out to re-read it. Regularly doing this defeats my sometimes anxious heart.

J. P. Moreland writes about this in Loving God with Your Mind: Essays in Honor of J. P. Moreland.  

"I practice the discipline of gratitude. Due to my heredity and upbringing, I have a predisposition to anxiety and depression. One way to avoid these is to train yourself to see the glass half full and not half empty, that is, to habitualize a positive, thankful approach to life. And the best way to do that involves a negative and a positive step. Negatively, learn to spot early on any catastrophizing or totalizing thoughts you have in which you take fears and so forth, blow them up out of proportion, and engage in fearful, negative self-talk. When you spot the negative thought, tell yourself that it isn’t true, that it is overstated, and seek to undermine the thought. Then, positively, turn to God in prayer and thank Him for, say, five to six things in your life, ranging from little things like the taste of coffee to large things like friends and family. I will do this around one hundred times a day, and by now, such expressions of gratitude have become a habit and they have colored my perception of life. The discipline of gratitude keeps one from becoming sour on life and is very, very life giving." (p. 225) 

In Philippians chapter four Paul instructs Jesus' followers to "not be anxious about anything." The Greek word for 'anxious' is one used in contexts of persecution. It's used in Matthew 10:19, where Jesus tells his disciples, "When they arrest you, do not be anxious about what to say or how to say it."

When Paul counsels the Philippian Christians to not be anxious, it's not like they are sitting down to a sumptuous Thanksgiving dinner in a peaceful, non-threatening land. He writes from prison. The context is: persecution. The Jesus-followers were suffering under opposition from their pagan neighbors, just like Paul and Silas had suffered when among them (Acts 16L19-24; Phil. 1:28-30). 

I know what worry and anxiety are like. I have, in some especially troubling times, felt consumed by them. So I ask - how realistic is it to be told, “Be anxious about nothing?” Paul’s answer, and his experiential reality, is found in his rich, ongoing prayer life. He writes: 

Do not be anxious about anything, 

but in every situation,

by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God.

I have proof that this works, (following Henri Nouwen, in his book Gracias!). It's this.  When I don’t pray, when I don't count the many reasons I have to be thankful,  I am more easily filled with worry and fear. In the act of praying I enter into the caregiving of the Great Physician, who dials down the anxiety.

In everyday prayer-conferencing with God, I present my requests to him. I lay my burdens before him (See 1 Peter 5:7). I remember that I have a Father God who loves me, in whom I trust. Where there is trust, there is neither worry nor anxiety. A person with a thanks-filled, praying life, grows in trust and diminishes in anxiety. A praying person discovers, experientially, that thankful trust and anxiety are inversely proportionate. 

Paul writes that our prayers should be accompanied “with thanksgiving.” Ben Witherington comments on this. He writes,

“Paul believes there is much to be said for praying in the right spirit or frame of mind.” This is significant for the Roman Philippians, since pagan prayers did not include thanksgiving. Roman prayers were often fearful, bargaining prayers, not based on a relationship with some loving god.

Witherington adds: “Prayer with the attitude of thanksgiving is a stress-buster.”

John Wesley said that thanksgiving is the surest evidence of a soul free from anxiety.

J. P. Moreland counsels that the discipline of gratitude thwarts catastrophic thinking.

The antidote for worry and anxiety is: praying, with thanksgiving.

Destined to Be Creatures of Thanksgiving

 

(Montana Rockies - Bozeman Pass)

The older I get, the more thankful I am becoming. Giving thanks is habitual. I often find myself saying, to myself, or out loud in a whisper, "Thank you God."

This happens several times a day. I think of something God has done for me, I see something he has given me, and reflexively the words rise up and come out of me.

I wake in the morning and say "Thank You" for waking in the morning and moving into a new day.

Dallas Willard, before he went to be with Jesus, was grateful. Gary Moon describes Willard's last words. 

"At 4:30 a.m. a nurse came in to turn Dallas in the bed. Her visit awakened [Dallas’ good friend Gary Black who was in the hospital room with him]. Moving Dallas awakened him too. Gary took Dallas’s hand. Dallas turned to him and told him to tell his loved ones how much he was blessed by them and how much he appreciated them. … Then, as Gary described, “In a voice clearer than I had heard in days, he leaned his head back slightly and with his eyes closed said, ‘Thank you.’” Gary did not feel that Dallas was talking to him, but to another presence that Dallas seemed to sense in the room. And those were the last words of Dallas Willard. “Thank you,” he said, to a very present and then finally visible to him God."

Gary Moon, Becoming Dallas Willard (IVP, 2018), page 240

Gratitude is moving from volition to embodiment. This is good. I am being prepared.

In the great throne room scene of Revelation 4, the awesome four living creatures are spotlighted, as they levitate around the throne of God. They give splendor to the One who sits on the throne. I am destined to do the same. I am being prepped for full-being God-glorification. The creatures give value to him who occupies the throne. I have the same destiny. I am being shaped into a God-honoring creature.

The four living creatures give thanks. 

An eternal outpouring of gratitude. 

I will one day join this mighty chorus! 

I am being mentored in this, by the Holy Spirit.

All I am meant to be is summed up in the great outpouring of glory, honor, and thanks to him who sits on the throne and lives forever and ever. (Revelation 4:9)

This outpouring of magnification is too much for the twenty-four elders. The threefold amplification of the four living creatures drops the elders to their knees before the Lord, and they worship him. (Revelation 4:10)

Listen, all you who are in Christ! This is your transcendent destiny, which, in your current immanent embodiment, you are being schooled for. 

To be creatures who radiate glory, display honor, and sing thanksgiving to the God who reigns for ever and ever. To be, as C.S. Lewis once said, "everlasting splendors."

Thank you.

The Pro-Life Psalm

 

 

(Redeemer Church, Monroe, dark outside, lights on in the sanctuary)

PSALM 139:13-18

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

A Disciple Exercises in the Spiritual Gymnasium

 

My mentor, Jesus, taught me that I must exercise in the spiritual gymnasium. The game-changer for me was when I read Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline. That was in 1982. Few books have caused me to do something in response to what I read. Foster's was one of them.  

I already knew that I must, as a disciple, be disciplined. I must discipline myself to dwell in the Lord's house, seeking his presence. I must abide in Jesus, like a branch, connected to the vine. What Foster gave me was that disciples of Christ must exercise spiritually, and that spiritual exercising was the way I abide in him. For example, praying connects me with Jesus. He gives himself to me, as I pray.

I am not doing spiritual exercises to earn God's love. But, because I love Him, and he has loved me, I desire to grow in him. More accurately, I long to have Christ formed, in me. (Galatians 4:19)  

I understand this to be the apostle Paul's idea when he writes, Train yourself to be godly (1 Timothy 4:7). What struck me about this verse was that the Greek word for "train" is gumnaze. Gymnasium!  

1 Corinthians 9:25 reads, Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. The Greek word for "compete" is agonizomenos. Agonize! Which means, to compete in the gymnastic games. Again, I am not competing for God's love. He loves me. I compete to be empowered, led, relevant, and anointed.  

After reading Foster I began to up my level of competing. I do worship reps in God's gymnasium. I do prayer reps, Bible reps, serving reps, solitude reps, listening reps, giving reps, thanksgiving reps, to grow stronger and be competitive in life.  

As Jesus' disciple, I long to be fit for his service.  

I want this for you, too.

DECLARATIONS

 I am a spiritual athlete!

 I train, every day, in God's Gym.

 I am growing in spiritual fitness.

 I am a competitor for the souls of women and men.

 I can feel my spirit getting stronger and stronger.

 I live and love the connected-to-Jesus life!

(From my book 31 Letters to the Church on Discipleship.)

An N. T. Wright - kind - of - month

I have my own list of greatest New Testament scholars. If you are into New Testament studies, in-depth, then you are not surprised that N. T. Wright is on my list.

I just finished 45 days of 1-2 hour teaching presentations. Twenty of them. Fourteen of which were at two theological seminaries. It's time for a break! 

I am today beginning an N. T. Wright - kind - of - month. I'm settling in with three Wright books. 

The first is The Lord and His Prayer. He writes:

"The more I have studied Jesus in his historical setting, the more it has become clear to me that this prayer sums up fully and accurately, albeit in a very condensed fashion, the way in which he read and responded to the signs of the times, the way in which he understood his own vocation and mission and invited his followers to share it. This prayer, then, serves as a lens through which to see Jesus himself, and to discover something of what he was about."

The second is Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church. This comes in the wake of finishing teaching my "Heaven, the Soul, and the Afterlife" course for Faith Bible Seminary in NYC. Plus, I'll be speaking on the t4heme of hope in NYC this coming January.

The third Wright book (with co-author Michael Bird) is The New Testament in Its World: An Introduction to the History, Literature, and Theology of the First Christians. This book functions as a resource book for me. It... is... amazing... brilliant... and its physical presentation is weighty...  and beautiful. (Purchase the hard cover. When it arrives, you will see why.)

One more book. I just purchased this, to read to my grandchildren this Christmas.

Blessings!

JP

How to Save Your Struggling Marriage (Resources)

Our back yard

(I re-post this a lot, just to keep this ball in play.)

Linda and I are always meeting with couples whose marriages are failing. We consider it a privilege to do this. We also feel with these couples and at times agonize with them. We feel a holy desperation about the state of marriages in America today. In America Christian marriages are in no better shape than non-Christian marriages.

If your marriage is struggling to the point that you are wondering if you will make it, we suggest the following six things.

1. Look at your own self. Be open to the idea that you are the problem, and not your spouse.  You are your marriage and the reason your marriage is failing. If you do not have this heart-insight then expect no more from your marriage than what it already is.   If you don't see yourself as 100% contributing to your marital failure your marriage will not be saved. Of course the same is true for your significant other. It will take two to do this. But you are not the one to give them this insight.
2. You won't be able to help yourself. If you keep being "you" in your marriage your marriage will keep seeing the same results. Therefore, get help for your marriage. If you are a Jesus-follower your pastor can pray for you and love you as a couple but may not be skilled enough to counsel you. In Southeast Michigan the two places I recommend are here and here. 
3. Get help for yourself even if your spouse won't. It's not unusual for only one partner to realize #s 1 and 2 above.  
4. Trust your counselor. Be helpable. Be open and willing to look at your own marital failure. Your counselor will not be shocked by anything you say and will not condemn you.
5. Trust God. Enter deeply into God's presence. Pray. Read Scripture and meditate on it. Read John chapters 14-15-16 and follow Jesus' advice.
6. Know that your marriage can be saved. Linda and I have never met a marriage that we thought could not be rescued and transformed. This should give you hope! I have written some things about this here.

***

Can Your Marriage Really Be Saved?

Bolles Harbor, Monroe

Can a failing marriage really be saved? If a marriage is an absolute train wreck, can it be transformed? If you are a follower of Jesus, you have to answer "Yes" to these questions. 

This is because, with God, all things are possible. Nothing is impossible for God. If God created the vast complexity of the universe, then rescuing a marriage is well within God's cognitive and creative abilities.

For the person whose marriage is in cardiac arrest, it all looks unresurrectable. But from my vantage point, and even more so from God's, the dead can be raised. I have seen it happen with marriages, many times. The person in the marital ER won't see it, because they have no experience in saving marriages. But Linda and I have. We have worked with hundreds of marriages at every level of sin and dysfunction. We have seen God work through us and others to set things right and make things better than ever.

The couple who looks at their troubled marriage and concludes, "This could never work", commits the "fallacy of hasty generalization." Here is a benign example.

1. I polled two college students who said Coke is better than Pepsi.
2. Therefore, Coke is better than Pepsi.

Such reasoning is faulty, because the sample is too small. One can't go from 1 to 2. To do so is to reason hastily. 

So...

1. I have never seen a disastrous marriage like mine be helped.
2. Therefore, my marriage cannot be helped.

But I have. Linda and I have a large sample group of hundreds of marriages we have worked with, and you haven't done this. 

In addition, this reasoning doesn't work:

1. I have friends whose marriages failed.
2. My friends are telling me to get a divorce (failure loves company).
3. Therefore, my marriage won't work.

Never look at the failed marriages of your friends to validate the death of your marriage. To do this adds another fallacy to the irrationality, the "fallacy of faulty analogy." No two marriages are the same.

Have we seen train-wreck marriages fail to come together? Yes. They fail because one or both partners refuse to: 

a) get humble and get outside help; 
b) look at their own selves and the faults they bring to the marriage; and 
c) look to the God they say they worship. 

All it takes is one of the two partners to bail out and refuse to get help. 

Sometimes Linda and I look at each other and say, "I doubt if this marriage will ever come together." And then, it does. God does it. We must trust that, even as we do our very best in counseling marital couples, God is doing infinitely better.

God loves to save marriages and families. It happens when:

a) Two people humble themselves and get outside help.
b) Two people look at their own selves and the faults they bring to the marriage.
c) Two people get on their knees and turn to God.

Note: Read Gary Chapman's One More Try: What to Do When Your Marriage is Falling Apart. Excellent!

See:

Marriage Takes Work

Saving Your Marriage: You Can't Derive 'Ought' From Feeling 

Your Marriage Can Be Saved (Especially for Husbands)

Marriage Counseling Material 

***

Understanding and Overcoming Unrighteous Anger

This morning at Redeemer I was working with our Kids Church. Tim Curry was in the sanctuary and preached on understanding anger and being healed of unrighteous, irrational anger. I have heard many things today about the excellent job Tim did (thank you!). Linda was one who told me what a great message Tim gave. She has already recommended to some people that they listen to his message online, which should be available in a week.

One good result is that our people today are thinking about their own anger, understanding it better, and have hope for healing from sin that emerges from anger.

I'm in some good dialogue tonight about this subject, so I'm re-posting a few things I've written about this.

Dealing with Anger in Relationships

In every good marriage, in every good friendship, in every church, and wherever there are people, feelings of anger happen. I once had a friend tell me, “I never get angry.” My thought was this: here is a person out of touch with what’s going on inside of him. Even God feels anger. Even Jesus felt anger.

When I feel angry, what can I do?  

1. Recognize your anger. “Anger” is the emotion a person feels when one of their expectations has not been met. For example, if I drive across town expecting every light to turn green when I approach, I am going to be an angry person. Because this expectation will not be met. Therefore...

2. Identify your unmet expectation. Fill in the blank: "I am angry because my expectation that ________ was not met."

3. Evaluate your unmet expectation. Is it either: a) godly, reasonable, good, fair; or 2) ungodly, unreasonable, bad, unfair. In my "driving" example above, my expectation was irrational.

4. Reject ungodly or irrational expectations. If, for example, you expect people to clearly understand every word that comes out of your mouth, you are now free to reject this as an irrational expectation. Or, if you have the expectation that other people should never make mistakes when it comes to you, I now free you from that ungodly, irrational expectation.

5. If the unmet expectation is godly/fair, then ask: Have I communicated this to the person I am angry with? If not, then communicate it. For example, my expectation that persons should take off their shoes before entering our living room may be both rational and of God. But if I have not communicated this to others, my anger at the unfulfilled expectation is still real. My expectation that people should know such a thing without being told is unfair.

6. If you have communicated it clearly to the person you are angry with, then communicate your anger this way: Say “I feel angry because my unmet expectation is __________________.

Communicate this in your own way of saying things. Begin your sentence with “I” rather than “You.” For example: “I feel angry…” rather than “You make me feel angry…” Doing it this way asserts without aggressing. For the person who hears this, it does not feel so attacking.

Get rid of irrational or ungodly expectations. As you get free of these things you’ll find yourself less angry.
Remember that from the Christian POV, “anger” is not sin. Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin.” We are not told never to feel anger. There is a righteous anger, and that is not only appropriate but necessary. But when we feel the emotion of anger we are never to sin. In all relationships we are never to be harsh, demeaning, vindictive, or abusive. Remember that  in every close relationship there is anger. The anger-free relationship is a myth, and probably is a sign of unhealth when claimed.

Finally, Ephesians 4:26 says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” Which means: deal with anger quickly, and in a loving and truthful way. The goal is always restoration of relationship and reconciliation.

I am thankful that only a few times in our 44 years of marriage have Linda I fallen asleep angry with each other. The reason for this is not that we’re some special, exceptionally compatible couple. We are this way because we were taught to do this by godly people who spoke into our lives. We were sufficiently warned about the cancerous bitterness that arises when anger is “swept under the carpet.” We don’t want satan to gain even a toehold in our hearts. We have asked God to help us with this, and He has!

If you have allowed the enemy entrance into your heart because, in your anger, you have sinned, then confess this to God.

Then, receive God’s forgiveness and give Him thanks. 1 John 1:9 says: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 

Acknowledge, before God, that you are a new creation in Christ.

Ask God to help you, and trust that He is now doing so. 

***

Face-to-Face Your Anger and Interpersonal Conflict (Not Facebook It)

Never use things like Facebook or texting to share negative things or work out interpersonal conflict. For such things Face-to-Face is best.

Henri Nouwen writes:

"When you write a very angry letter to a friend who has hurt you deeply, don't send it! Let the letter sit on your table for a few days and read it over a number of times. Then ask yourself: "Will this letter bring life to me and my friend? Will it bring healing, will it bring a blessing?" You don't have to ignore the fact that you are deeply hurt. You don't have to hide from your friend that you feel offended. But you can respond in a way that makes healing and forgiveness possible and opens the door for new life. Rewrite the letter if you think it does not bring life, and send it with a prayer for your friend."

Think, and pray, before you text or speak.

***

FIVE SIMPLE SECRETS TO A HEALTHY MARRIAGE

#1 - COMMUNICATE AND COORDINATE

 

                                                                     (At Toledo Zoo)

(I'm re-posting this to keep it in play.)

In August Linda and I celebrated our 52nd wedding anniversary. We are both thankful for having these wonderful years of life together!

We're not the perfect marriage. Acknowledging this helps us be better life partners.

One thing that has helped us is that we communicate about and coordinate our busy schedules, meetings, desires, and obligations. We do this every day, usually in the morning, or the evening before.

We ask each other questions, such as...

"What is your schedule today?"

"What do you want to get done today?"

"How can I help you today?"

"What time will we have together today?"

"Are you OK with me doing this (_______) today?"

"What do we need to do together today?"

"What commitments do we have this week?"

"What shall we do for dinner tonight?"

"What do you need to talk about?"

We ask questions like these. Because we do this all the time, responding to them often takes little time.

We want to share expectations, and be on the same page.

We let each other know what we are up to. For example, Linda might tell me, "I'm doing laundry this morning. Do you have clothes that need washing?"

I always let her know where I am going. Today, e.g., I said, "I'm going to Panera Bread to get a coffee." And later, I said, "I'm going upstairs to work in the office."

This is not rocket science. We always let each other know what we are doing and where we are going, even if it's just going outside to water the flowers. And, we are willing to give up our agendas for the sake of the other.

Linda is excellent at keeping a datebook. We meet together, and she brings her datebook with her. She says, "Remember, John, that we have the graduation party this Saturday at 1."

We communicate like this because we are not single anymore. We are doing life together. 

Coordinating our schedules is a way of honoring one another. In doing this, expectations become clear. Uncommunicated expectations breed marital conflict.

For us, this is one secret to a healthy marriage.

#2 - Say "Thank you" (Often)

 

                                                       (Saugatuck, MI)

In summer 2024 Linda and I celebrated our 51st wedding anniversary. We drove four hours to a Michigan beach town and spent four days together.

We walked, talked, sat on the beach, read books, had some good meals, sat by the pool, browsed, shopped, ate some fudge, and I had cherry peach pie. On the way home Linda led us in a praying time.

We gave gifts. And said the words, "Thank you."

"Thank you" is part of our marital arsenal. "Thank you" is a super weapon. We say these words, to each other, a lot.

"Thank you for the gift."

"Thank you for mowing the lawn."

"Thank you for the tuna salad sandwich."

"Thank you for doing the dishes."

"Thank you for finding my phone."

"Thank you for the reminder."

"Thank you for washing the clothes."

"Thank you for making the bed."

"Thank you for vacuuming." 

"Thank you for the flowers."

"Thank you for all you do for me."

Thank you, thank you, thank you...

When people fail to say "Thank you" it can come off as entitlement. We see the entitlement disease in Luke 17:11-19.

11 Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. 12 As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy[a] met him. They stood at a distance 13 and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!”

14 When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” 

And as they went, they were cleansed.

15 One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. 16 He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.

17 Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? 18 Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” 

19 Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”

When you stop saying "Thank you," often, you are taking the other person for granted.

Saying "Thank you" places you in a vulnerable position. This is why some don't say the words.

We don't have the perfect marriage. But we have both told God "Thank you," countless times, for bringing us together. We spoke these words again, both to God and to each other, as we celebrated 51 years.

Saying "Thank you" is one of our little secrets to a healthy marriage.

#3 - ALL WE HAVE TOGETHER BELONGS TO GOD

 

When I married Linda I had some debt. I had student loans to cover tuition and housing for my freshman and sophomore years

I spent the money. I also flunked out of college at the end of my sophomore year. 

I eventually got back in college. But I had to pay off the wasted student loan. 

When I married Linda, we both understood that we were now "one flesh." We were a team. We did not believe that she had her money, and I had my money. Instead, all that we had, collectively, was God's, with us as the stewards of what we have.

And of what we owed. My loan indebtedness was now Linda's as well.

For us, it goes like this. If I make a dollar a week, and Linda makes $1000 a week, together we make $1001. And it all belongs to God. We are then called to be good stewards of what God has given us.

A huge part of this stewardship was, and still is, keeping a budget. That we both look at together, and both agree on.

This means we agree on how the money is to be spent. In addition to a mortgage, car payment, utilities, food, clothing, insurance, and other essentials (the loan!), we sometimes had extra money. We did not spend this extra money without talking together about it. Early in our marriage, we both agreed that neither of us would make a purchase over $50 without asking the other if this seemed right to them.

We continue this to this day. This has served us well in our fifty-one years of marriage!

The key principles are:

1) Everything we have belongs to God.

2) We are the stewards of what God has given us.

3) We have a monthly budget.

4) We communicate about finances.

#4 - FORGIVE ONE ANOTHER

 

1971.

I had been a Jesus-follower for a year. 

God had led me to not date anyone, for the purpose of focusing on knowing Jesus. What a great and important year that was for me!

1972. That's when I met Linda, and slowly, carefully, began to fall in love with her. 

Our relationship was Jesus-centered. This included abstaining from sexual activity, even kissing. We were not trying to use each other to get personal pleasure. Were we "dating?" If so, not in the usual cultural way. It was beautiful! And, I still had so much to learn about how to love another person as Jesus loves them.

It was going so well that I thought we would never disagree and argue. That bubble eventually got burst. We had our first argument.

I cannot remember what it was about. I do remember engaging in some powerful logical reasoning. Surely, I thought, Linda will see that I was right, and she was wrong. But that bubble also got burst, when God told me, "John, she's right. You are wrong."

As I heard those words, I knew they were correct. I'm wrong. This knowledge created another problem, which was: I never admitted it when I was wrong. So, I kept arguing.

I have the powerful gift of defending myself and attacking the other person, even when I know I am wrong. I had taken and aced the "Argumentation and Debate" class at Northern Illinois University. When the class was over the professor, who led the university Debate Team, invited me to be on the team. I chose not to, but my overconfident ego was expanding.

As I was pressing my argument against Linda, God told me this. "John, not only are you wrong in your argument, you also are wrong in continuing to argue when you know you are wrong."

That's when I came to my senses. I had two things to say to Linda.

1. I am wrong, you are right.
2. I kept arguing even though I knew I was wrong and you are right.

And then, these words came out of my mouth: "Would you forgive me for doing that."

That was new territory for me. I thought Linda might exit our relationship. Who would want to be with someone who, when they were wrong, could not admit it?

Linda said, "John, I forgive you."

And then we laughed. A lot. 

We've been married fifty-two years, this coming summer. Admitting we are wrong when we are wrong is built into the DNA of our marriage.

We have both said, to each other, these words, countless times.

"I was wrong."

"You were right."

"Please forgive me for talking that way to you."

"Please forgive me for not listening to you."

"I love you."

"I forgive you."

FOR MORE HELP SEE:

Forgive, by Tim Keller

Caring Enough to Forgive, by David Augsburger

Forgive and Forget, by Lewis Smedes

#5 - SERVE ONE ANOTHER

 

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Ephesians 5:21.

In doing life, Linda and I do not compete against each other. Because...

we are on the same team.

We do life together.

We don't keep score. 

For example, when I had my hip replacement surgery, I recovered at home. We rented a surgical bed, where I slept. During my rehab, Linda waited on me. And kept the house clean. And did the shopping. And meal planning and making. With love and joy.

When there are times when Linda is sidelined with illness, I do the same for her. I serve her, and do not keep a mental record of all the hours I am putting in. We don't owe each other anything. That's how it is, when you serve one another out of love, and for the team.

'Entitlement' is not in a servant's mental lexicon.

"Who serves the most?" We have never entertained this question.

We are not perfect. And yet, we defer. We are always asking questions like these.

"Can I get you anything?"

"How can I help you?"

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Let me do this for you."

And, always humming in the background, is this: "How can we help each other flourish?"

***

Using Logic to Manage Anger in Relationships

I used to present this to my MCCC Logic classes. It's an example of using logic to help in relationships.

Note: there is a small but growing Philosophical Counseling movement. See here; and here.